ramble blog

We always knew.

Honestly, whenever I have to come back to a problem I created in the first place I get thrown into such a big panic attack and it takes a long time to get over them and they’re the hardest to deal with to the point where I just wanna throw up the rest of the night but I can’t.

Why do I feel so down the day before my birthday. 

I wanna cry in a hole or at least sleep until the stuff I bought arrives why do I even try. 

Lately, whenever I got sad, I thought to myself, I probably won’t feel this way in a month, or a week, or maybe even in a couple of days. Something will make me laugh so hard that I forget to breathe and I’ll feel as light as air again, or a shower would make me feel so refreshed I feel like all my troubles were washed off. But as much as I think it, currently feeling it, I hate it so much. I want that light as air or refreshed feeling always, not just when I laugh or take a shower. I know it’s impossible because I will always feel burdensome feelings because I’m human, but it doesn’t mean   I like them. It’s also sad the think about others who have these feelings, especially if you caused them, but I hope, even if as a lover or a friend, I want them to feel the same laughing feeling or shower feeling too. 

I’m suffering just as much, I just feel like I have no right to be or to talk to you after all of the things that I said out of honesty and I feel like shit for feeling this way but I just do.

 I’m at a point in my life where I dunno how to respond or react to anything anymore and it’s making me panic so easily and making the hole I’m in seem like it’s getting bigger and bigger and I wanna throw up I think I should disappear from everything for a whileksjhdgfa

Why can’t I just be okay and not just think I am

My worst fears are happening and god give me the strength not to delete everything and disappear

I don’t know why I pushed myself to try and make friends and post drawings all at once  I don’t know why I pushed myself to go on my personal it’s so hard to come down from this panic attack but I really want to be friends with those people and I was a little proud

I like to see people smile and I like the feeling of smiling and laughing myself but

how am I supposed to do any of that when I’m an awful person how does anyone put up with me I don’t deserve any of the kindness or attention I get

How did I manage to break a pretty good run of good mood over a fucking dream I don’t remember

I was doing so good I don’t fucking un derstand how it sent me into a bigger spiral of depression was it because I was really just bottling it all up and pretending to be happy every smile and laugh I made until now was real I know it was real was it because even though I smiled I questioned why I was happy was that it was it because I told myself reasons why a big fucking failure of a person shouldn’t be smiling that it was it because I felt like I was a bad person for play flirting with friends even tho I only mean it towards Light is that it am I being punished for feeling like I’d be doing the same thing my mom and dad did is it because I care too damn much about things for my own or anyone else’s good is this my punishment for trying to make friends only to feel annoying and never talk to anyone is this my punishment for being unable to be happy for friends because I’m so goddamn envious is this what I deserve for trying to do things I feel is right for me is this what I get for the “things will get better” phrase making me want to throw all my stuff out the window and scream to high hell is this what I get for pushing people away when they want to help is all is this what I get for all those times I wasn’t hit by a car for feeling like I want to live for being scared of death is someone trying to push me to fearlessness